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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30072675">To Be At Peace</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/merits/pseuds/merits'>merits</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>unOrdinary (Webcomic)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(kinda?), AOT AU, Character Study, Gen, Mentions of Blood, SNK AU, alternate universe - Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:01:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,824</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30072675</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/merits/pseuds/merits</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>All she wants to do is go back to her home and see her sister again.</p><p>(Or: AOT AU, in which Seraphina is the Female Titan.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To Be At Peace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>yes i'm working on heart of a child. just wanted to get back into writing unordinary with another work. This will probably have 2 or 3 chapters. probably.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Her right fist presses into her left side, where her heart is. A salute, a salute for the king, from the soldier she’s supposed to be. That’s what she’s meant to be, after all. Soldier girl, soldier girl, marching on. Protect the king and his name, protect the ruler of the walls and die without a name. No name, no title. Nothing to her except the way of the soldier. She is nothing except that, now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s a rifle strapped behind her back. A ring in her pocket. Power in the palms of her hands, in her bloodstream, flowing deep into the cavities of her heart. A weapon, for all intent and purposes, of war.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s clean under her fingernails, clean in the folds that stretch across her palms, clean on every knuckle. When she takes a shower, she scrubs until every inch of her skin is red and raw, tingles and burns at feather-light touches. Enough that at least three layers go down the drain, enough that she doesn’t feel dirty anymore. Enough that every single strand of hair no longer has blood infused in it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She can still feel their blood on her hands. Her hands are caked with it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pressure builds up in her head, behind her eyes. It’s rather painful, a headache, soon-to-be migraine, splitting it open. Maybe she can still function, but she adjusts her uniform slowly and carefully this time, making sure her boots are all the way up and her jacket sits properly on her shoulders.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Evie stands in front of her, shadowing the sun, leaning forward with her arms behind her back. “Seraphina, let's go! We might be late.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seraphina looks up from where she’s fiddling with her rifle to Evie's sunlight-smile, bangs in her eyes and hair tied in pigtails over her shoulders. Pretty, almost gaudy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Evie hugs the rifle strip to her chest, clenching the leather tight enough that it bends, creases, cracks. Seraphina looks away and stands up with a grunt, dusting dirt off her pants, patting the ring in her jacket pocket, and straightening her jacket again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There aren't many clouds in the sky today, but there's a chill in the air and the world looks more grey. As if a photographer took a picture back home and sucked almost all the life out, leaving only a few spurts of color. The aristocrats walk around with their high top hats and colorful dresses, little boys and girls running around with ragdolls and satin ribbons, soft fabric of their outfits brushing against Seraphina's hand. The shops are subdued this time of year, a few business owners hustling into bars in the east alleys, mothers buying bread and meat for dinner. A few cakes with beautiful, artisan icing creations displayed in the shop they just passed, all the life from the pictures before squeezed onto them, sweet and colorful and bright.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Evie asks in a low voice, barely audible over the trotting of the horse-pulled carriages and the idle chatter of the commoners, when Seraphina’s birthday is. If she’d like to have one of those sweet cakes reserved for special occasions. She tugs the strap of the rifle closer to her, presses it into her stomach.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seraphina answers, “September 12.” She swears she sees Evie’s shoulders sag, her smile become a little more forced.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. I see. It already passed,” she says, disappointed, voice even more quiet.  “Are you...you’re sixteen now, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seraphina turns her head away from Evie, content to look at that tan and grey signs of shops scattered across the sidewalk and down the aisles. After a moment, she responds, “I am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Evie hums. “Maybe...maybe next year, we can scrounge up some money and buy one of those cakes.” She brightens. “I know you like sweets! And fruit!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seraphina doesn’t try to dissuade her from that. She simply looks forward again, doing her best to not look at the grin Evie has plastered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, promise me. Next year, we’ll go out, the two of us, or maybe us with Roland and Terrence. We’ll get some cake or some pie and celebrate your birthday. Promise me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The word ‘no’ sits heavily on Seraphina’s tongue. There won’t be a cake or pie stand next year on her birthday. There won’t be any celebration here, no small hats and commemorative gifts on her birthday, no drawings trapped behind glass and wooden frames of the four of them, together. No sense of normalcy by the next year. She wants to say no. Has to say no. Has to squash any kind of hope under the heel of her boot, stomp on it, no matter how much she wants it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How much she wants to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>ordinary.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” Seraphina turns to her, nodding. “I promise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Isen, Blyke, and Remi come spiraling back into her life in Stohess, hidden under forest green raincoats and hoods pulled up. None of her comrades bothers to check on her when she backtracks, goes down the crevice in between two buildings with a strange, cloaked boy. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Of course.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Isen asks her for help in escorting Blyke out of the city, stating that the Survey Corps needs him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Seraphina. Please. We’ve got to get him out of here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But why me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Isen scratches his cheek. “Um, well...we need an ally. We need someone who’s willing to do this. Someone in the Military Police. You’re the only one who can do this for us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seraphina clutches her left arm and looks at the retreating backs of her fellow police. “Isen.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you really think...I’m that good of a person? That I’ll just help you out like that if you ask nicely?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I…” Isen looks down, face falling. He eyes her boots and scuffles his own. “I don’t know. We’ve all done bad things before, and we’ve all done good things before. Call it a favor, I owe you. I don’t prefer calling people good or bad. Makes it seem too black and white for the world we live in…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But then again, everything’s skewed.” Isen shrugs and looks back at up, straight in her eyes, boring holes in her soul. “We live in a world where titans try to eat us for no other reason than to eat. We don’t know anything about the outside world.” He hesitates on his words more. Seraphina raises an eyebrow at that. He inhales before speaking again. “Blyke is our key to that. You know this. And I guess...if you don’t choose to help us when we need it, you’d be a bad person.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seraphina holds her hand up to her chin, thinking. Something prickles the back of her neck. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go. Leave him. Leave them all. Turn back around, catch up to the other Military Police, find what you’re looking for. It’s a trap, it’s a trap.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Holden’s cries ring in her ears. His maneuver gear is under her bed, crushing the wooden floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She takes off her rifle, sets it aside. Keeps her back facing Isen. “Okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She takes her ring out of her pocket and puts in on her right index finger, secures it tightly. “I’ll go with you,” she affirms, turning around. “Lead the way.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Isen walks next to her, holding the map out. Blyke and Remi are two steps behind, whispering something indiscernible.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seraphina clears her throat. “So, what’s your plan? Assuming that Blyke is here and not with the Military Police already. How safe will he be?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Isen responds without looking up from his map, voice teetering somewhere between cheerful and weary. “Assuming the body double act goes well, we’ll be able to get Blyke safely out of Stohess and away from Wall Sina overall. By the time the Military Police and Royal Court realize Blyke hasn’t been with them for a while, we’ll be long gone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And what if someone stops us along the way, hm?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Take a right here. Anyway, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I have a plan for it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” she says disbelievingly. Her suspicion peeks. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Turn around. Turn away.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After some time walking--during which the sun has started to fall and the wind has started to pick up--Isen tells them they’ve reached their destination. “Here it is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A staircase leading to the underground, dark and confined. Seraphina nearly bites her thumb’s nail in frustration. All that walking for one underground staircase?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Isen, Blyke, and Remi start walking down. “Come on,” Blyke says, irritated. “We gotta go, we’ll be late.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They weren’t stopped by any people along the way, either….no tenants wondering why a Military Police soldier was out walking the streets like a commoner this time of day...not even children…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Abandoned…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I refuse,” she says firmly. She digs her heels into the pavement. “I won’t go down there. I’m not willing to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong with you?” Blyke gets more indignant. It’s almost funny.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The deal’s off now. I’ll help you </span>
  <em>
    <span>here.</span>
  </em>
  <span> But I’m not doing anything underground. I don’t like it down there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What, are you afraid?” He taunts her knowingly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I am!” She lies. “A small, ordinary girl goes underground with three people bigger than her, two of whom are men. Why shouldn’t I be afraid of a small, dark place like this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You act as if we’re animals!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Seraphina! Sera, please,” Isen pleads her, voice tapering into a wisp.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“C’mon, hurry up before people catch us--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seraphina cuts them off with a giggle. “I don’t think...that’ll be a problem.” She stares at Isen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks back at her, eyebrows furrowed, eyes shining with fear. Scared. Scared of her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It seems….this place is deserted. No one is around for miles. You would’ve noticed, Remi.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remi looks away from her, hand still on the rail, one foot on the step below the other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How painful. That hurts, honestly.” The wind messes up her hair, blows her hands into her eyes. She can’t tell if she’s sincere anymore. “You never looked at me like that, Isen. When did you start looking at me like that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He visibly gulps. “Like...what?” His voice wavers. He’s probably trembling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shoves the painful twinge in her chest, shoves into the deep, dark corners of her heart. It hurts her. She knows what she has done, and yet it still hurts. “Like I’m a </span>
  <b>monster.”</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sera...you were the one who killed Sawney and Bean, right? You killed them.” He accuses her outright, doesn’t bother tiptoeing around her. “You...you did it...right? Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t know why you’re accusing me. I passed the maneuver gear check. No one knows who killed them.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He caught me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Blyke looks at Isen like he’s insane.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But…that wasn’t yours, was it.” It’s not a question. It’s a statement, drenched in cold truth. “It was Holden’s. It had to be. We...we did our maintenance together. I helped him fix it. So...I know everything about it, how unique it looked compared to everyone else’s. Why did you...why’d you take it if you had no reason to?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I found it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I...I thought this...you didn’t kill me one month ago! You didn’t! That’s why I…,” his breath hitches in his throat. “That’s why I thought….”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you knew this one month ago, why didn’t you say anything then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You...I didn’t want to think it was true! I didn’t want to think it was you!” He’s desperate this time, nearing the edge of crying. Truthfully, Seraphina wants to cry, too. “And-And-And we’re here because you didn’t kill me then! You saw my face, I fought you twice! You didn’t kill me!” He inhales again, shaky, shaky breaths the only thing she can hear following along the whistle of the wind. “You didn’t...and that’s why we’re here now. That’s why we’re here now. You could’ve killed me, and yet you didn’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s right. That’s why we’re here. That’s why I’m here. Because I failed. I failed…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course...I didn’t kill you last month and that’s why we’re here….oh.” She looks away, almost sad. Forlorn. Sorrowful. Everything has shattered. “Why didn’t I just do it then?” She asks herself more than she asks Isen or Blyke or Remi. “Why didn’t I just kill you then? We wouldn’t be here if I didn’t just kill you then...why? Why couldn’t I do it? Why did I fail...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“HEY!” Blyke’s voice echoes in the emptiness of the neighborhood. “We get it now, Seraphina! You can stop joking around! There’s still time for you to say otherwise! There’s still time! Just come down! Prove your innocence!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Seraphina, c’mon! Please!” Isen begs her, all composure lost. “You can prove yourself! We can still talk this out! We can talk like human beings!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wants to cry now. “I can’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“SERAPHINA! Come on! It’s a stupid joke, just ple--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop.” Remi’s voice cuts their voices down sharply, tinged with venom. Seraphina hears the clatter of her sword, metal scraping metal, hand on the trigger of her anchor. “Stop. She won’t listen. She won’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“BUT WHAT, ISEN?! But what?! We talked. We tried to talk. And she doesn’t care. The only way to win is by force, now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seraphina mumbles under her breath, only so she can hear, “By force, huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you know what this means, Seraphina?” Her voice is devoid of emotion here. “I’ll cut you up again. I’ll cut you up! I have to, now! Do you understand...Female Titan?!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The world turns grey at that moment. She’s been caught, hands tied behind her back. Found out like she’s just a little kid stealing bread from her mother’s pantry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything she’s fought for. Everything she did. The blood on her hands, in her hair, screams still ringing in her mind, tumbling, tumbling, tumbling. A disaster born of her own volition. All under the pretense that no one would find out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Too careless. Or caring. She let her guard down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>None of it matters anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Holden dying to the titan, eaten once, then gone. To hide their secret. She watched him die to hide their secret. She watched him plead for them all to talk, still watches him scream her name in her nightmares. Holden is dead because of her, because she took his maneuver gear and unbuckled his straps and threw it into a room he couldn’t reach. Holden is dead because she had a secret to hide from humanity.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>None of it matters anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wants to see her sister again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>None of it matters anymore because she has been </span>
  <em>
    <span>caught. I was a kid and I was caught and I was too careless and--</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The feeling of dread washes over her. Her hands tremble, blood once again visible. Crimson, like the rage and frustration that fills her heart, the salute she did still pounding her skin. Veins pulsing. She never wanted to do this. She never wanted to do this to her comrades. Her friends. And she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t do it to all of them, even with the numbing of the shrieks of pain as everyone got ripped apart, eaten alive in front of her. Trying to not grow attached.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But, the relief is the worst feeling of them all. She’s been caught. She...she doesn’t have to hide anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So, she laughs. Giggles escape her mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m insane! But...finally. Finally. They know. I don’t have to hide it anymore. I don’t. They know it. They’ve known for a while that I’m a monster. They’ve known.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t have to lie anymore. She laughs and laughs and </span>
  <em>
    <span>laughs.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I won’t see her again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They look at her in fear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Isen. I’m glad, really. I was at least good for a little bit, right? I was a good person.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks at her in fear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But now...it’s my turn to gamble everything--!” She goes to bite her finger.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything happens at once. A flare goes off. The footsteps crowd around her rapidly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Survey Corps Members…?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They attack her from all angles. Grab her arms and legs, try to pin her down. She goes to bite her lip; they secure a cloth between her teeth. It’s filthy and disgusting. Just like her, she supposes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She struggles. Blyke walks up to her. Remi stops him. “Blyke!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The soldiers holding her down don’t have a handle on her hands. She can still move her thumb. She uncovers the spike in her ring, watches the confusion rise on Isen’s face as Remi looks in fear and drags them farther underground, deep into the cavern. Watches Blyke look at her in disbelief. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘How could you do this to us?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The goal is to go back home, back to Leilah.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She runs her thumb across the spike, blood drawn. Lightning strikes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They can’t run anymore. She can’t hide anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No one can hide from the monster they truly are.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="https://stingro.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a>
  <br/>
  <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/mer-its">Reddit</a>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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